i am looking for a reason to have faith in people again. i am looking for a way to not be alone in my thoughts, feelings, and outlooks. i am lucky enough to know that there are different people out there who agree with different outlooks of mine. however, there is no one who will ever completely agree with me on everything. maybe that is a good thing, to have such complex views on life and the world. maybe the people who can find people who agree with them 100% just have underdeveloped thought patterns. even if that is true, how lucky they are to be a a part of a group of the same.
fortunately or unfortunately, i have never been around a group of people for more than a couple years at a time. no one will ever truly know me, or where i came from, or where i will be after we move on from each other. that’s fine. i don’t need a sequel, and i don’t need an origin story. all i want, is the idea from others that i have reasons for thinking the way i do, and having the opinions that i have. i have been everywhere. i have been through everything. i have met everyone. i was filled with love once, and open mindedness, and wonder, and naivety, and empathy. it’s that empathy that has brought me where i am. after you truly understand people, you realize that sometimes, there is nothing there; sometimes, people are just scum. over time i have realized that there are black, white, and grays. there is a lot of middle ground, but most times things are black or white.
there are a lot of people out there, who because of their actions, do not deserve things like respect. i’ve referred to myself as gay in a time past. whatever i refer to myself as, or whatever state of sexuality i am in, i will always be a part of an alternative sexuality. people don’t understand where i am coming from. not being straight has only been a problem a handful of times in my life, and in most of those cases, it has been resolved- because i was able to show the antagonist that i am different, that i am a valid, smart, respectable person. i know a lot of gays aren’t given the luxury of having an oppressor approach and apologize to them. i also know a lot of gays don’t deserve it because they have never done anything to validate themselves as a human being, or even try to enlighten the oppressor. i have, and it has paid off. lucky me? no. we all have the capability to fix things, anyone who says otherwise is either lazy, ignorant, or looking for something to complain about.
you hear a lot of talk about gays being ashamed of who they are because of ‘homophobes’. well, how do you think the homophobes get that way? how do people act when they are being assaulted with something they don’t understand, and thus, can’t agree with? the answer is: hostilely. as a person of alternate sexuality, the only thing i am ashamed of is that dregs who give alternate sexuality a bad name exist. these are the people who are making my life difficult, the people too ignorant and flamboyant and subhuman. it’s because of THOSE people that there are those who are afraid to come out, either because they think “if i’m gay, i have to be like that, and that’s not who i am / what to be / want to be grouped together with.” people like this, who are disillusioned by, for lack of a better term, flamers, are the one who really need our pity and help, and encouragement. i can assure you, that encouragement cannot be found in phallic lollipops, low-cut shorts, and shooting rainbow lasers out of ones eyes.
(the fact that i believe there’s someone out there, not unlike a soulmate for myself, that is probably living life as a straight guy for these reasons, is another pressing though. it is also a thought that i do not want to get into, because it will take away from my point.)
i don’t know if being gay or straight or whatnot is a choice or not, for everyone. for me, it is a choice. i can find the physical beauty in everyone, but i have no sexual attractions to anyone. however, at this point in my life, for reasons not being discussed at the moment, i want the attention of / am emotionally attracted to dudes. acting on that is my choice. i could just as easily peruse a relationship with a woman.
regardless of if you are born a certain way, you can still conduct yourself in a way that commands respect. then and only then can you expect, or will deserve respect and equality. no sooner. that’s when you make your move.
i have no respect for anyone weak enough to take their own life. i never have, and i doubt i ever will. the world really is better off without anyone willing to show such a vulgar display of weakness. especially these people killing themselves because of someone’s opinion about them, because they’re getting bullied. everyone gets bullied about something, people in this world are shitheads. however, you deal with it, and maybe do some reflecting, and you take haven with the people who love you. if you don’t have people who love you, maybe you’re the shithead, maybe the bullies are right about something, maybe there is a better way you could be conducting yourself, or something better you could be doing.
being gay, or being picked on for it, does not count as a life problem. if you want to use the lame excuse that you were “born gay” and have no control over your own life, that’s fine, but you still control your actions. you control the way you act, and the way people perceive you. you control what you do, and who you are. if you want to be respected, live your life in a way that commands respect; be a person who deserves to be respected.